I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
