I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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