I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
