in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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