Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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