puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
