There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
