yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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