got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Boobs speak an international language.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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