I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
