You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
