My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
