I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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