Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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