All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Panties = found
Randomize
