This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
