Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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