Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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