is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
