You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
