my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
