God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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