I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
