Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
