You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
