Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
