You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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