I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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