this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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