Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
