Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
