he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
