Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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