great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
