I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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