I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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