Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
They took my balls.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
