He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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