How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
oh god the rape fog is back!
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
