You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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