Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
