2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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