Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
