Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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