M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
