Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
