I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
