I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
