that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
