On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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