I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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