She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
