Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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